We are all broken.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Once Upon a Time

Many of us live our lives waiting for the next thing to happen. We're here, in the middle of our life stories, knowing our days are numbered, and we're just waddling through or struggling on until we get to the exciting part of the story - or even the end itself.

We KNOW our Lord is God of the beginning and the end. We hear it every Sunday and every Wednesday and in our devotions. But our Once Upon a Time has grown stale. We need fresh reminders that He is here with us EVERY DAY IN BETWEEN until the final chapter.

In John 10:10, He promises that "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." And He gives us that fullness each and every day through the dwelling of the Holy Spirit in us and through us.

As a teacher, I watch my students WAITING for the next thing. When school starts we wait for fall break, then for Thanksgiving break, then for Christmas break, then for Spring break, and then for the end of the school year. We spend so much time WAITING for the next thing I really think we miss out on the FULLNESS of EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Sometimes the waiting is more serious. We're waiting for answers, watiing for someone to treat us with respect, waiting for our prince to arrive, waiting to get pregnant - but still, our lives are focused on what's NEXT instead of what's NOW, because now isn't what we want. We want what's next.

As women, our Once Upon a Time stories don't often feel like the Cinderella fairy tale or the Happily Ever After. Especially at the holidays when according to the Hallmark specials we should be dressed in our holiday best, having holiday celebrations with no hiccups - we feel overworked, underappreciated, and just plan tired. We isolate ourselves because there's no way anyone else's house is this dirty, the laundry this unkempt, and we're sure no one else's kids act like our kids behind closed doors.

We also feel that NO ONE else's story includes fears, anxiety, loneliness, depression, or any of those other common struggles women face. So, we choose not to share them - because WHAT WOULD SHE THINK IF I DID?

So, we put on the happy face, come to church, and answer surface questions about how we are with an answer about the weather.

I'm always thinking about next week when I have a day to REALLY clean the house or REALLY organize my pantry.  Someday my house will be EXACTLY what I want it to be, and THEN I'll feel at peace.  Then will story will be "Happily Ever After."

Someday, that relationship will be what I want it to be, and then my story will be happily ever after.

When I get that dream job or write that book or perform that song or...fill in the blank with your own "When I..." -THEN my story will be "Happily Ever After" and my Once Upon a Time will be worthshile.

A couple years ago, a close friend gave me a book titled One Thousand Gifts.

A housewife and mother just like me asked herself the question, "How do we find joy in the midst of deadlines, debt, drama, and daily duties? What does a life of gratitude look like when days are gritty, long, and sometimes dark? What is God providing HERE AND NOW?"

She began a journey to live her one life well. She left behind the bucket list and focused on every day.  She decided to focus on a transformative spiritual discipline of chronicling gifts, writing her journey of gratitude. Not what she wished for or wanted to achieve, but what she was thankful for TODAY, it changed her perspective even in the mundane.

She realized that even though she had said yes to God, yes to Christianity, she was really living the no. She was only thankful for what she liked, what appealed to her and whata she felt was best for her.

She wrote about her journey of giving God everything - and thanking him for it all - the good and the bad.

Farmers do everything the can to make a crop. They plant the seeds, fertilize the ground, do what they can for that crop to appear. But the reality is, they control SO LITTLE. It's God who decides it all. We are afraid to stop waiting and just allow God to change our story, because maybe we don't KNOW what the different ending holds.

Remember John 10:10 - "I have come that you may have life, and live it to the full."

We spend a lot of time letting go and letting God. But no matter how much control we think we have over the waiting and the Happily Ever After of our stories, God is the one writing our lives.

Two Christmas seasons ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Before I went into my surgery, a group of friends came to pray with me. My husband asked me what I was thinking and I said, "I don't like that when I go under the anesthesia, I won't be in control." My sweet husband grabbed my face and said, "Carrie, you've never been in control."

Through her journey, Ann Voskamp, the writer of One Thousand Gifts, said that as long as thanks is possible, then joy is possible. She began giving thanks in the borind, the painful, the happy - in all things. It changed her life.

On the night Jesus was betrwyed, he took some bread and GAVE THANKS to God for it.

John 10:10 doesn't say He wants us to live life to the full - except for those days when we feel unappreciated.

OR - except when the bad things happen.

OR - except when we feel lonely and isolated and depressed.

He says he came so that we might have life - TO THE FULL.

During this holiday season, I have a John 10:10 challenge for you. Your Once Upon a Time may not always FEEL like Happily Ever After, but learning how to be thankful - whether empty or full - will give us joy we didn't know we had.  Let's not look to the NEXT happiness, but live our day to day being grateful for the Spirit's presence.

"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know Him, for He lives in you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. " John 14:16-18

Today I am thankful that God allowed a summer of anxiety so I could minister to another woman who was dealing with anxiety.

Tonight, I am thankful that SAME anxiety drove me to a deeper and more intimate time with Him.

Tonight, I am thankful my father was in my wedding pictures just before he died.

I am thankful for the mess in my bedroom that reminds me God doesn't love me because of how clean I am.

Ann said, "Life changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time." So let's begin tonight. And I challenge you to take the John 10:10 challenge and change your patterns. Begin a life of gratitude. Pound out the ugly nails - the nails of offense, jealousy, hurt feelings, anger with a nail that is even SHARPER. A nail of gratitude, a John 10:10 life to the full.

So I challenge you to take the JOY DARE. A year of writing 1000 gifts you are grateful for. Go to Ann Voskamp's website and print the year long JOY DARE. I believe God wants to change your life through your heart of gratitude.

www.aholyexperience.com

Sunday, December 16, 2012

First Worshippers


There is something about anticipation.  There is something about the waiting, the guessing, the planning.  Sometimes what we remember most about a memory is what led up to that moment. As a child I remember counting down to Christmas. As a teenager I remember the car ride into Chicago to see my first musical. As a young woman I anticipated my engagement, my wedding. Seven years ago I waited anxiously for my baby girl to be born. There is a preparation that happens in the anticipation that is like no other.

I needed that nine months to prepare my heart to be a first time mother. Part of me (well, all of me) just wanted that baby to be BORN! I remember walking laps around Wal-Mart just willing her to come early. I was aching for the moment I could see her precious face the first time. It was that sweet preparation, imagining and hoping that made the final moment so much sweeter.

As worshippers, we need to be anticipating. Sunday morning before church is our pre-game time. The anticipation and prayer time is what leads to the movement of the Spirit because our hearts are ready. We have already cleared the muck out of our brains and hearts by concentrating on Him.

So how do we anticipate? On Sunday morning in our house, the only music played is worship.  It is a common thread and our daughter knows nothing more is allowed before church. Not because what she might listen to or watch would be inappropriate, but because we are preparing our hearts. This often starts the night before in our choices. I know life is crazy, so my heart needs to be prepared. In the car, we often quote scripture or talk about how God is working. It doesn’t need to be over planned, but it is important to quiet our hearts before God and focus on Him.

When we anticipate something, it is because we are overflowing with excitement for the outcome. It often breaks my heart that everything else besides church and our Father make us more excited. We anticipate vacations and holidays, new purchases, sporting events, but it is difficult to hunger for a movement of God that will change lives.

The responsibility of a First Worshipper, or anyone leading the congregation in worship, or frankly, anyone worshipping at all, is not only to anticipate and prepare his or her heart, but to live in the overflow, leading others in that worship. This should be evident by an outpouring of worship. Now, I’m not asking anyone to be someone he or she is not, but there is a First Worshipper responsibility to lead in ways the congregation is not required. Our choices give freedom to others. Whether it is merely a smile or a raise of the hand, we should always be conscious of the message we are portraying.

Is our God really the eternal Savior who has saved us from forever being lost? And if He is, isn’t that something to ring out to the heavens? However you normally respond to an exciting event should be the first reaction you have in this situation. It is the first response you give as a First Worshipper.

Our faces tell a story. Our eyes shine truth. Our mouths sing out our songs. But the words we sing are not always the evident testimonies of our lives. Maybe we really do mean the words, but how is the congregation supposed to know? How are they supposed to identify with us as worshippers and WANT WHAT WE HAVE? That is really the key. God has given us the gift of being a First Worshipper. Those are the people that step foot in His church as leaders in praise. That gift is precious, because through our praise, others will connect with our stories and long to tell their own.

This cannot be done with heads buried in music or fiddling with paper. This cannot be done with faces drawn of emotion and a lack of smiles on faces. This cannot be done with resistant bodies and stiff arms.

Our bodies, heads, smiles, eyes, tell the stories our voices cannot. Not all of our congregation will ever hear your deliverance from substance or your miracle of healing, but they will watch your face when you sing and they will know what a mighty God you serve.

We are His First Worshippers. And we owe Him the praise and honor that is worthy of a God who has made it possible for us to worship at all.

 

 

 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A boy like him.

He spoke today.

An entire semester of unconditional prompting...
seeing through his silly remarks and self-conscious statements.

I saw change in him today. During our class discussion, he offered something:

On his own.

His handwriting is messy and haphazard.
He doesn't like school and everything about it.

But in his journals he would tell me about his mom's death,
the cruelty of kids,
in short bursts of sentence-like structure.

These moments, these tiny triumphs are the joys
of teaching
in the midst of
assessments paperwork evaluations standards interruptions
there are boys like him.

It wasn't much - only a few quietly mumbled sentences.

But he offered himself.

And that's a pretty big deal for him.

I know, because I'm his teacher.

It made me think of Jesus - how comparatively to His glory,
our offerings are a few quietly mumbled sentences.
We're messy and haphazard.
Nothing much.

But He sees us as His kids,
and He hears our prayers about our pain.

Each breath we give to Him are
tiny triumphs,
and He knows us, because He's our teacher.

If He's half as excited about me as I am about those few
uneducated words I heard from that boy today
it gives me just a taste of the way He looks at me and loves me
despite, even though and because.

And that's a pretty big deal
for me.
 
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