The Root

While driving home from the funeral today, I noticed all the bare trees, bereft of leaves. Usually, I miss the beauty of the colors on the branches. But today, it was if Diann tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"Look, Carrie."

I slowed the car, pulled to the side of the street and leaned over my steering wheel. Yes, it was true. Those exposed branches were reaching, stretching, toward heaven. The trees were worshipping - and without the leaves it was more apparent the direction the limbs were pointing. There was nothing inhibiting my view of the naked stretches of bark, grasping the sky.

Suffering does that. It leaves us naked and vulnerable. But ultimately, it reveals who we really are. And I learned that from my friend, Diann Hunt. Even though she was stripped of everything, her health, her ability to eat, her strength, so much of what we humanly crave - it only revealed and lay bare the One she was worshipping. The brokenness and suffering she endured only further exposed the One who agonized the most - the One whose agony means we will suffer no more one day...that she suffers no more - RIGHT NOW.

I smiled as Jesus showed me the beauty in those brittle branches, because no matter how deep the temperature of this frigid winter decides to drop, those branches will keep pulling toward the sun. They will stand unprotected and leafless, bared before the world.

Because those branches know they have nothing to do with their survival. They know where their source is: the roots. The roots will continue to dig deeper, holding strong and carrying the rest of the tree through the suffering days of freezing ice and blasting wind.

There is such beauty in the broken and suffering who are willing to allow God to use the agonizing moments to reveal their unashamed worship. Because, like Diann, they do not have to be afraid.

They know who their Root is.

Traci

That night before
ten women
gathered
to pray.

how many months
had passed?

she had
suffered
and
waited

and bought beautiful hats

she had
praised
and waited

and loved on her little girl as she left for college.

everyone
watched

as she didn't let the disease win.

purple
bracelets
and
purple
toes
and
purple
clothes
in honor of her gracious fight.

people
partied
in pre-chemo honor
as she
celebrated through the pain.

that night before
ten women
gathered
to pray.

And the
healing power
of a
mighty God
stormed in
like an
indomitable
tornado
swirling through
her body
and
cleansing her soul.

the next day
after
ten women gathered
to pray

the doctor's words
swept her world
like a vigorous wind
and those waiting in the wings heard

SHRUNK.
MERCY.
BLESSING.

The beauty of the broken
flies in the face of
discouragement
doubt
and
disease.

The beauty of the broken
purifies the darkness
and tears away
fear
and is
never
forsaken.

The beauty of her brokenness
lifts the heart
of the
faithful
to see the
peace in the storm.

Party on,
sweet Traci.

Ten women
and
hundreds of others
continue
to pray.

Diann

It's rare

Someone whose very name
even when spoken softly
spreads life like wildfire.

It's immediate

because that name
floods the mind with memories
and fills it up until the ocean o v e r f l o w s
and tears fall.

It's unusual

Someone whose suffering has penetrated
the hearts of thousands
bolstered the prayer life
of hundreds
inspired courage through
ENcouragement.

She breathes beauty
as her broken body
belabors
and
braves
the disease infiltrating her being.

But her
basest response?

Praise.

Her hands
outstretched in purest
simplest
love of the Father
push through the darkness
and shine
reckless abandon as she
TRUSTS
and
FOLLOWS
and
quietly
SERVES
in the midst of
the agony and despair of earthly sorrow.

She dons a blonde wig
and
smiles
as c o u n t l e s s
sit at her feet
and learn
that
God doesn't waste a hurt.

She answers the phone
and
whispers
through nauseous fog
and the love
of Jesus
penetrates the soul.

She cries out in pain
and her Father
kneels down,
softly holding
her close:
peace in the midst
of
heartbreak.

She
is
a
warrior.

And a host
of those infected
by her humility
stand at her side
weapons drawn and ready

Sending powerful prayer
to heaven for
HEALING.

He has not forsaken her.
Her brokenness is not forgotten.
Her beauty reaches a nation of writers
and I
lift a pen in honor

of
Diann.

A heartbreaking post

To the student who wrote that heartbreaking journal entry:

I cried over you.
Yes, I cried.

I'm sorry your friends aren't your friends.
I'm sorry they call you
pizza face
fat
hideous
tub of lard
stutter-a-lot.

I want to get on the school's speaker system
and announce to the entire
student population that
you.
are.
valuable.

I want to rewrite
popular
in the dictionary
and
move the students around
like scrabble pieces
putting
U
in a safe place

I want to walk by you to every class
//a bodyguard//
and whisper all the TRUE things about you
you don't even know

I want to fix your kindle
shattered because some kid
stuck his leg out
and tripped you

I want to snap my fingers
and see a magical
force field dome
surround you, protecting you
from the words
that pierce like sticks
and bruise like stones.

On behalf of the world
I say
sorry.
On behalf of the hurting
who strike out
at the less fortunate because
they often don't strike back
I say
sorry.

I want to hold up the true
MIRROR
and show you who you
really are.

But I feel helpless
my hands reaching
and finding
empty
because
what
can
I
do?

Right now
Outside my classroom
In the hallway
In the lunch room
WHEN I'M NOT THERE???

What I can do
while you are
"alone in solitude
spending weekends with
yourself"

is pray for you.

I will defend you
to the heavens
and pray for all the things
you wrote
the things you feel
you don't have
won't have
can't have.

Someone will love you
(He already does)
Someone will appreciate you
(He already does)
Someone will stick up for you
(Oh, how He wants to vindicate you)
and

this teacher
whose eyes are now open
will
pray
defend
lift up
be sensitive
and
protect you as best she can

in the safety of a
Holy Spirit filled room

and join forces with heaven
that you can know
who you are:

PRICELESS.

A Shattered Windshield

In college I had a little car named Song  94. It was a black Ford Tempo and I loved it. Newly engaged, Brady and I tooled around Kankakee in that car, listening to mix tapes and drinking two liters of Diet Mountain Lightening. It was a great little car.

One day Brady and I were hanging out in the car, talking. I had my feet on the dash and Brady was in the driver's seat. Without much consideration, I wondered what would happen to the windshield if I straightened my legs. So I tried it.

Immediately and with no notice, the entire windshield shattered into a thousand spider webbed pieces. They stayed together, but it was like my windshield had morphed into a mosaic of broken glass.

I will never forget Brady's reaction. He turned his head slowly toward me and said, "I can't afford you."

Of course, the phone call to Dad had to be made and I had to pay for a used replacement windshield. But as I reminisced on this story I started thinking about the life applications.

How many times do we make decisions "without much consideration" or "immediately and with no notice?" As I'm learning about a life of prayer and ceaseless communication with our Savior I'm learning there should always be consideration and prayer - and there should always be the willingness to wait until God speaks.

Waiting is never easy. But I'm sure if I would have even waited one more second before making the decision to straighten my long legs, I would not have lost $75 of my well-earned college dollars on a used windshield.

But not all decisions can be fixed that quickly. Many take a lifetime to recover and we try to make them in our own strength, with no waiting, no back up, no prayer.

The practice of prayer will change our habits and our lifestyles - but will also often result in less regret because we will consider the Father and not just our own selfish wishes.

Hm. Thankful an old memory brought me new enlightenment tonight. I pray that I can continue to consider what Jesus would do before...well, let's just say Brady really likes his truck windshield.

Once Upon a Time

Many of us live our lives waiting for the next thing to happen. We're here, in the middle of our life stories, knowing our days are numbered, and we're just waddling through or struggling on until we get to the exciting part of the story - or even the end itself.

We KNOW our Lord is God of the beginning and the end. We hear it every Sunday and every Wednesday and in our devotions. But our Once Upon a Time has grown stale. We need fresh reminders that He is here with us EVERY DAY IN BETWEEN until the final chapter.

In John 10:10, He promises that "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." And He gives us that fullness each and every day through the dwelling of the Holy Spirit in us and through us.

As a teacher, I watch my students WAITING for the next thing. When school starts we wait for fall break, then for Thanksgiving break, then for Christmas break, then for Spring break, and then for the end of the school year. We spend so much time WAITING for the next thing I really think we miss out on the FULLNESS of EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Sometimes the waiting is more serious. We're waiting for answers, watiing for someone to treat us with respect, waiting for our prince to arrive, waiting to get pregnant - but still, our lives are focused on what's NEXT instead of what's NOW, because now isn't what we want. We want what's next.

As women, our Once Upon a Time stories don't often feel like the Cinderella fairy tale or the Happily Ever After. Especially at the holidays when according to the Hallmark specials we should be dressed in our holiday best, having holiday celebrations with no hiccups - we feel overworked, underappreciated, and just plan tired. We isolate ourselves because there's no way anyone else's house is this dirty, the laundry this unkempt, and we're sure no one else's kids act like our kids behind closed doors.

We also feel that NO ONE else's story includes fears, anxiety, loneliness, depression, or any of those other common struggles women face. So, we choose not to share them - because WHAT WOULD SHE THINK IF I DID?

So, we put on the happy face, come to church, and answer surface questions about how we are with an answer about the weather.

I'm always thinking about next week when I have a day to REALLY clean the house or REALLY organize my pantry.  Someday my house will be EXACTLY what I want it to be, and THEN I'll feel at peace.  Then will story will be "Happily Ever After."

Someday, that relationship will be what I want it to be, and then my story will be happily ever after.

When I get that dream job or write that book or perform that song or...fill in the blank with your own "When I..." -THEN my story will be "Happily Ever After" and my Once Upon a Time will be worthshile.

A couple years ago, a close friend gave me a book titled One Thousand Gifts.

A housewife and mother just like me asked herself the question, "How do we find joy in the midst of deadlines, debt, drama, and daily duties? What does a life of gratitude look like when days are gritty, long, and sometimes dark? What is God providing HERE AND NOW?"

She began a journey to live her one life well. She left behind the bucket list and focused on every day.  She decided to focus on a transformative spiritual discipline of chronicling gifts, writing her journey of gratitude. Not what she wished for or wanted to achieve, but what she was thankful for TODAY, it changed her perspective even in the mundane.

She realized that even though she had said yes to God, yes to Christianity, she was really living the no. She was only thankful for what she liked, what appealed to her and whata she felt was best for her.

She wrote about her journey of giving God everything - and thanking him for it all - the good and the bad.

Farmers do everything the can to make a crop. They plant the seeds, fertilize the ground, do what they can for that crop to appear. But the reality is, they control SO LITTLE. It's God who decides it all. We are afraid to stop waiting and just allow God to change our story, because maybe we don't KNOW what the different ending holds.

Remember John 10:10 - "I have come that you may have life, and live it to the full."

We spend a lot of time letting go and letting God. But no matter how much control we think we have over the waiting and the Happily Ever After of our stories, God is the one writing our lives.

Two Christmas seasons ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Before I went into my surgery, a group of friends came to pray with me. My husband asked me what I was thinking and I said, "I don't like that when I go under the anesthesia, I won't be in control." My sweet husband grabbed my face and said, "Carrie, you've never been in control."

Through her journey, Ann Voskamp, the writer of One Thousand Gifts, said that as long as thanks is possible, then joy is possible. She began giving thanks in the borind, the painful, the happy - in all things. It changed her life.

On the night Jesus was betrwyed, he took some bread and GAVE THANKS to God for it.

John 10:10 doesn't say He wants us to live life to the full - except for those days when we feel unappreciated.

OR - except when the bad things happen.

OR - except when we feel lonely and isolated and depressed.

He says he came so that we might have life - TO THE FULL.

During this holiday season, I have a John 10:10 challenge for you. Your Once Upon a Time may not always FEEL like Happily Ever After, but learning how to be thankful - whether empty or full - will give us joy we didn't know we had.  Let's not look to the NEXT happiness, but live our day to day being grateful for the Spirit's presence.

"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know Him, for He lives in you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. " John 14:16-18

Today I am thankful that God allowed a summer of anxiety so I could minister to another woman who was dealing with anxiety.

Tonight, I am thankful that SAME anxiety drove me to a deeper and more intimate time with Him.

Tonight, I am thankful my father was in my wedding pictures just before he died.

I am thankful for the mess in my bedroom that reminds me God doesn't love me because of how clean I am.

Ann said, "Life changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time." So let's begin tonight. And I challenge you to take the John 10:10 challenge and change your patterns. Begin a life of gratitude. Pound out the ugly nails - the nails of offense, jealousy, hurt feelings, anger with a nail that is even SHARPER. A nail of gratitude, a John 10:10 life to the full.

So I challenge you to take the JOY DARE. A year of writing 1000 gifts you are grateful for. Go to Ann Voskamp's website and print the year long JOY DARE. I believe God wants to change your life through your heart of gratitude.

www.aholyexperience.com

First Worshippers

There is something about anticipation.  There is something about the waiting, the guessing, the planning.  Sometimes what we remember most about a memory is what led up to that moment. As a child I remember counting down to Christmas. As a teenager I remember the car ride into Chicago to see my first musical. As a young woman I anticipated my engagement, my wedding. Seven years ago I waited anxiously for my baby girl to be born. There is a preparation that happens in the anticipation that is like no other.

I needed that nine months to prepare my heart to be a first time mother. Part of me (well, all of me) just wanted that baby to be BORN! I remember walking laps around Wal-Mart just willing her to come early. I was aching for the moment I could see her precious face the first time. It was that sweet preparation, imagining and hoping that made the final moment so much sweeter.

As worshippers, we need to be anticipating. Sunday morning before church is our pre-game time. The anticipation and prayer time is what leads to the movement of the Spirit because our hearts are ready. We have already cleared the muck out of our brains and hearts by concentrating on Him.

So how do we anticipate? On Sunday morning in our house, the only music played is worship.  It is a common thread and our daughter knows nothing more is allowed before church. Not because what she might listen to or watch would be inappropriate, but because we are preparing our hearts. This often starts the night before in our choices. I know life is crazy, so my heart needs to be prepared. In the car, we often quote scripture or talk about how God is working. It doesn’t need to be over planned, but it is important to quiet our hearts before God and focus on Him.

When we anticipate something, it is because we are overflowing with excitement for the outcome. It often breaks my heart that everything else besides church and our Father make us more excited. We anticipate vacations and holidays, new purchases, sporting events, but it is difficult to hunger for a movement of God that will change lives.

The responsibility of a First Worshipper, or anyone leading the congregation in worship, or frankly, anyone worshipping at all, is not only to anticipate and prepare his or her heart, but to live in the overflow, leading others in that worship. This should be evident by an outpouring of worship. Now, I’m not asking anyone to be someone he or she is not, but there is a First Worshipper responsibility to lead in ways the congregation is not required. Our choices give freedom to others. Whether it is merely a smile or a raise of the hand, we should always be conscious of the message we are portraying.

Is our God really the eternal Savior who has saved us from forever being lost? And if He is, isn’t that something to ring out to the heavens? However you normally respond to an exciting event should be the first reaction you have in this situation. It is the first response you give as a First Worshipper.

Our faces tell a story. Our eyes shine truth. Our mouths sing out our songs. But the words we sing are not always the evident testimonies of our lives. Maybe we really do mean the words, but how is the congregation supposed to know? How are they supposed to identify with us as worshippers and WANT WHAT WE HAVE? That is really the key. God has given us the gift of being a First Worshipper. Those are the people that step foot in His church as leaders in praise. That gift is precious, because through our praise, others will connect with our stories and long to tell their own.

This cannot be done with heads buried in music or fiddling with paper. This cannot be done with faces drawn of emotion and a lack of smiles on faces. This cannot be done with resistant bodies and stiff arms.

Our bodies, heads, smiles, eyes, tell the stories our voices cannot. Not all of our congregation will ever hear your deliverance from substance or your miracle of healing, but they will watch your face when you sing and they will know what a mighty God you serve.

We are His First Worshippers. And we owe Him the praise and honor that is worthy of a God who has made it possible for us to worship at all.