Jessica

She wasn't mad at God.
She lost three babies.
She saw them die.
But she wasn't mad.

She felt
            DECEIVED.

She built a giant wall and only let God
get this                           close.

Inside the wall was
insulation.
A faux protection from anything
bad
He might allow.

She had a baby.
A boy.
She held him sotightshecouldhardlytakea

Breath.

The boy didn't belong to her.
She knew he belonged to
God.
But her heart
GRIPPED HIM TIGHTLY
so she wouldn't lose him.

Then more pain.
Unexpected
ripping
pain.

A relationship she depended on...
fell through her fingers
like
air.

But she was challenged to forgive.
FOR ALL OF IT?
FORGIVE?
Pry open her clenched fist?
The grip she held so
tightly?
                              FORGIVE?
Reconcile her past?
Her babies?
Her family?
Her marriage?
Her relationships?
                              FORGIVE?

But when she did decide
to give Him back her
life  heart  marriage  kids 
and
more
pain.

She invited Him in
not to change what happened
but to change her response
to grace
to love
to trust.

When her miracle was born she
KNEW
the Holy Spirit
had
saved
her
miracle
baby.

He was closer than ever.
He always had been
waiting
waiting
waiting
for her.

She felt Him.
Not because her miracle situation was
perfect
or easy
or happy.

But because she invited Him.

She lifted her hands from her miracle
her palms out
holding her miracle up to Him
offering each breath.

He loves her more than she does.

Her clenched fist didn't control.
It kept Him out.
Her insulated wall didn't protect.
It kept Him from wiping her tears,
comforting her pain.

It isn't okay.
But it's His.
And it's better to be His
than okay.

She knows that now.
He will make something of her
terrible
beautiful
life.



Jessica also knows (in her words):

•life is a miraculous gift, whether it is shortly after conception, 11 1/2 hours, 36 hours, 8 years of wild boyness or 10 weeks of struggling fragility... I will love deeply
•there is much I cannot control. What I can is how I respond. Respond with love and graciousness. 
•always be open to what God is doing. If he is trying to teach me, I wanna be ready to learn, if he wants to use me, I wanna be available. What he leads me through will not be for nothing. I'm gonna let him make something of my terrible beautiful life